Sandman’s Final Scorecard: Celtic vs. Gomorrah

ROXIE – 7.5/10 – If we’d offered him for 10 million bucks, the Lev Yashin Society that’s sprung up in the support, berating the big man all season, would tonight be stamping out wee limited-edition pin badges of him for each different to put on on their Alan Partridge blazers. As we faced extra corners than Ayrton Senna, Joe dealt with them
better, defying St.Boo with a barrage of first-rate punches out of the Henry Cooper school of English goalkeeping; Then obtained down like James Brown to pull off a classic anticipation cease from a lovely overhead through the Kurgan out of Highlander. Masterclasses of old-school, cup-tie goalkeeping in Paisley on a Sunday afternoon? Mine’s a Bacardi. (See what I did there, followers of John Gordon Sinclair film theatre nostalgic ads?)

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – How solid is Tony? Brickie solid. The shift was once put in, the tireless shuttles up and down the wing, the filthy-good low sweep of a ball for Idaho to kill the game… But didnae…The tiger confirmed his stripes and it was salutes to Sergeant Ralston of the Republican Army*.

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – Jeez, Liam’s gotten a bit shaky these days, and nobody’s dancing to tacky rock ‘n’ roll. Seemed a little perturbed about their intentions to assault and rattle his comfort zone; acquired his act collectively regards interceptions and positional sense after a torrid half hour, but his distribution remained sketchy and a weak factor to our attempts to play through their press.

RAQUEL – 8/10 MOTM – A couple of defensive headers of true grit and a goal-saving block were the highlights of a Raquel overall performance that delivered greater glamour with his composed footwork. This used to be a suited test for the reinvigorated teenager (yes, he’s nonetheless rather a lot a formative years even even though it feels like we’ve viewed more
of him than our personal weans…). They threw a lot of physicality at us and that’s usually been a poser regards Welshy’s capacity to cope and still exert footballing class. No query marks hidden in the camo faucet nowadays – he faced and won the battles and kept his head in the depth when respectable play out from the returned was once required. Best sport he’s had – among the few – since Leipzig away last season. Looked like a beneficial Celtic centre-back today.

DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 6/10 – It’s football, Jim, but now not as he is aware of it; A pitch like the Argentine Pampas, thundering hooved opponents bearing down on him, and stands of inbred toothless schemies baying for his blood. But for the 2d complex away recreation the wee fella honestly played; his shielding capability is overshadowed by means of the footballing ability and that’s the crux of the Diego catch 22 situation – the stability of how tons of every we require in the SPL. In Europe, a defender, in Scotland, this innovative pressure surging round the left side. There’s life in his Celtic profession yet.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – That woke ye up, didn’t it? – that pass for the first goal was a real hangover cure; vision and electrifying creativity in one lightbulb movement which opened up them, the game, and Calmac’s container of hints that has appeared closed for business too frequently this season in his deep role. In a two-man midfield he asserted himself as well as he could, making the most of our surprisingly scarce possession intervals to behavior the short reprises of the Celtic symphony.

THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Come in from the cold, son, won’t ye? Young pseudo-viking obtained his groove back for lengthy spells when he managed to get on the ball and strive to conjure some magic. Ghosted in to smash the bar at the 2nd purpose and, while his contact was once nonetheless off, it was top to see him continuously in and round play to impose and provide options.

KILLER MUSHROOM – 6.5/10 – Snap! A defiant strike as soon as more from our deposed hunter-killer, darting in with a perfectly timed burst of tempo to poke the opener. Thereafter, I nonetheless obtained a teeth-grinding sense of angst on every occasion he used to be deep-lying to get on the ball, observing bespoke Kyogo probabilities squandered ahead.

BRIAN DE – 6/10 – For an annoyingly unpredictable, some would say mercurial, talent, the frustration he elicits used to be set-off well with the aid of the undeniable stat of his crucial involvement in each dreams – shrewd spot for Kyogo to run onto and go of the day resulting in Daizen’s wonder-strike.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Daizen’s now not happy; it’s Chinese New Year and he’s irritated at folk shouting first-rate wishes to him; have they no longer viewed The Last Samurai? He charged around with his standard magnificent commitment, however that non-celebration of his aim will be viewed as indicative of underlying issues by way of some, perhaps. But it was once only stupefaction and bewilderment that some thing he’d kicked for the duration of the game hadn’t triggered emergency response strategies from close by Glasgow Airport Air Traffic Control; Daizen’s crosses kept placing off their Kenny Miller Orbital Scanner…

DUNCAN IDAHO – 5.5/10 – Not a good deal fun being the lone striker in this Celtic set-up, is it? All graft and scant reward as opportunities broadly speaking fell second-ball to support runners. However, the big bhoy did manage to carve one out for himself with suitable toes but then overlooked a golden calf of a threat laid on via Tony; in fairness he did try
the right thing – information the ball lower back in opposition to the route of travel however was a clumsy foot out with the execution.

YING – 5.5/10 – I run. And run. And run. And he did, run. And if he’d known Korean for ‘flaming heid up!’ he ought to have ended a stunning slalom by means of laying on a third. Still, no shortage of will to, eh, run, at them.

OH BHOY – N/A – He’s back! And 5 stone heavier from the Asian Cup home cooking.

SAINT BERNARDO – 5.5/10 – Useful presence for the remaining 20 to hustle them, pin them in and offer greater choices to the midfield duo.

TAKINTE – N/A – Leith, and now Paisley. Only right here a month, and the bhoy’s a apprehensive wreck.

THE SHNAKE – 6.5/10 – A shnake-up, and we get a 4-2-1-3, or some thing like it. And he receives fortunate as the defence plays a blinder and they fail to rating from greater set pieces than Gary Kasparov’s seen. A bendy gadget he claimed, however the jury should be out on that one and take the proof into account – in no way tried it before no matter the majority of a season of Kyogo struggling alone up front; potential we relinquish possession due to lightweight midfield, outcomes in almost unlawful volumes of press being utilized immediately onto the returned four. But a win’s a win, and in the cup it’s barely extra – a confidence-building exercising in development and motivation as the silverware beckons. Now, man-manage that properly.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Had their VAR set up like end-of-term faculty video day – couple of canteen chairs and the television tube on a table. All that was lacking was a VHS player, a bored teacher and a dreary documentary about the stays of a viking agreement someplace in rainy East Anglia. Bargain zombie had the whistle and took plaudits early with the aid of booking a Bhoy for a dive. The same type of ‘dive’ that saw frenzied Zombie hacks claiming a Hibs pen for contact on Boyle midweek. Funny how views change…Anyway, the Hoops in no way gave them motive for malfeasance with a sparklingly disciplined 2nd forty five that despatched them home miserable. The telly’s now in a Feegie crackhoose, going for walks illegal Amazon firestick repeats of The Banana Splits.

OVERALL – 7/10 – I’ll purchase that for a dollar! A Robocop exclusive as The Fuddies had been given 20 minutes to comply before the Hoops blew them away. Well, now not precisely – they racked up corners like Fred West laying patio slabs and we got to see how nicely the ceaselessly makeshift defence may want to cope. Pretty well, it transpired, and by means of the time they ran out of steam we’d – in opposition to the run of play you ought to say, and undetected due to the high-camp camo strip – papped two in and extra or less deflated them like Kris Boyd sitting on a nail.

Not pretty the suit we predicted – no dominant possession versus a low block. But it was once a cup tie and the locals, to their credit, utilised the words of historically notorious Paisley warlord Shuggy Tzu who decreed, “The fine form of defence is to attack. The polis.” in his book, ‘The Art Of Feegie War Seiges’. A resilient Hoops won out and obtained through – and that used to be some thing you wouldn’t have been too prepared to wager on given current form. So we’ll take it and enjoy it and get serious for the rockin’ run-in that’s upon us.